To All My Single Momma's: You Are Not Alone.

The funny thing about the quote I use to introduce this blog is that men are no longer the "superior chaste" in The United States. That ship sailed in 2008 after the economy tanked and women became the breadwinners of middle class America. The ship is not entirely gone. But as more women bring home the bacon, the faster that ship heads out towards the horizon.

One of the many unintended consequences of this shift of economic responsibility? Less and less people are getting married. And for all my single momma's out there I want you to know one thing: You are not alone.

There is a massive shift happening in America. And I'm sure that everyone has an opinion about it. But as W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociologist at the University of Virginia, said in an article in the Times, “marriage is not as fundamental to society” as it once was.

But it's not just sociologists that have discovered the dying phenomenon, it's women across America:

“Most of my friends say it’s just a piece of paper, and it doesn’t work out anyway.” - young mother

"'Women used to rely on men, but we don’t need to anymore,' said Teresa Fragoso, 25, a single mother in Lorain. 'We support ourselves. We support our kids.'"

"Brittany Kidd was 13 when her father ran off with one of her mother’s friends, plunging her mother into depression and leaving the family financially unstable. She didn't marry because she 'didn't want to end up like her mom'."

What is surprising is that most of these women I have quoted live in lower economic households. “Marriage has become a luxury good,” said Frank Furstenberg, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania. More women in upper and middle class families are married when they have a child. But more woman living in lower economic strati have to endure the realities of raising a child on their own.

"It used to be called illegitimacy. Now it is the new normal. After steadily rising for five decades, the share of children born to unmarried women has crossed a threshold: more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage." ( Jason De Parle, Sabrina Tabernise LA Times) the article goes on to say, "Among mothers of all ages, a majority — 59 percent in 2009 — are married when they have children. But the surge of births outside marriage among younger women — nearly two-thirds of children in the United States are born to mothers under 30"

Two thirds! That is a mind boggling statistic. What's going on with this next generation? There are so many reasons why women are having children without a ring. Despite what these reasons are, it is important to remember that this is something almost unheard of not that long ago. These women that are boldly making choices to support their offspring on their own would be labeled as loose, sluts, sinners and the like. In some institutions and American towns they still are. The difference between now and then?

Women have choices now. These statistics prove that women define ourselves by truth not by patriarchal dogma. And that is s something to be grateful for.

I'd like to go on record and confess that I still dream of my wedding day. I have my bridesmaids and their dress colors all picked out. This is ingrained in my DNA by a mother that woke me up in the middle of the night to watch Princess Diana marry her Prince. We all know how that turned out. If that's not a beacon for how warped the idolization of marriage is, I don't know what is. (Part of the reason I started this blog was to understand why I am so tethered to these obviously antiquated dreams of mine.)

My view of marriage is changing though. When I was in High School I wanted to be married with kids by the ripe old age of 27. ( Talk about a ship that has sailed!) Now that I am 37, I would hope that when I marry I have been with my love for many many years, maybe even have had a couple kids together. I want my marriage to celebrate love, not be a tool to stay financially afloat as some form of cultural capital that affirms my social status. My point is the dream of getting married is still lodged in my DNA like an old nail in a wall that I forgot to hang a picture on. Has this nail been dislodged for the generation coming up behind me? These statistics seem to be suggesting that this is true.

I have friends that are single moms by choice, and others that have been happily surprised by motherhood. Regardless of how their single motherhood came to be, I hope that all my sisters raising kids on their own find love. I hope you get married because you are in love not because you need the extra paycheck in the household. And I hope they realize that no matter what you're church, family, or society tells you, you are valuable regardless of your marital status. You are boldly changing what family means to America and proving just how strong women can be. Walk proud my beautiful matriarchs. Because despite how it may feel on those nights when the stress seems insurmountable, this incredible shift is proving one thing: You Are Not Alone.